public nudity

The best way to loose all of your instagram / facebook friends as quickly as possible is to post a photo of yourself breastfeeding your new baby.  I know, I know, it’s tempting as she/he’s so adorable and sweet just nursing so infant-like (not a real word) and no one would actually see your breast, just the baby.  If you have thought this, you are most likely still under the influence of the hormone craziness that is post-partum.  My sister-in-law, Christie recently told me of a warning on her post surgery medication stating something about not having any important conversations or making any big life decisions while under the influence of said drug.  Post-partum times should come with the same message.  It should be at the beginning of the child manual they don’t send you home with from the hospital.

So, even though you’re going to resist posting any photos of yourself feeding your baby via your gazungas (you can call them that now, because if they weren’t already huge… they are NOW) inevitably you will leave the house, and need to feed your baby outside of what is the gorgeous nursery you created from all the pintrist ideas you posted on your “babies, babies, I’m obsessed with babies – the nursery section” board.

Here are the basics of feeding your tiny human on the go.

Step one: Cover that business up.  I know there are super cool hippie mamas out there who are brave and don’t visually shield the world from this natural nurturing business, but I’ll start changing the world by at least nursing in public, maybe someday the brave mom’s will have convinced us all and we won’t have the need to cover up, however, until then (and until cameras, creepy guys and the internet disappear) I’ll be covering thankyouverymuch.  My favorite way to cover up is a Hooter Hider.  You can buy one (the easy, expensive way) or you can make one (the crafty I don’t have any other children-living-in-my-home yet kind of way).  If you forget your Hooter Hider at home in the dryer because baby precious puked all over it last time, you can tie a muslim blanket at the ends and loop that thing right around your neck and you’re golden.  This might make your husband nervous because it’s not a designated Hooter Hider, but do it a few times and he’ll settle right down, realizing that no one but him really wants to see your breasts, excuse me, GAZUNGAS anyway.

Step two:  Nursing tanks.  A nursing tank is crucial to a successful nursing outing.  They are also MUCH preferable to just a nursing bra because you don’t have to lift your shirt up.  You only need pull a little flap down that clips nicely back into place when you’re done, keeping your stomach/back entire midsection hidden.  If you’re like me, and you have a smidgen (okay a decent amount) of extra fuel stored in the form of body fat in your body leftover from pregnancy, then lifting your shirt in public is among one of the last things you’d like to be doing, right after giving birth again.  Nursing tanks are longer than regular tanks and can be worn under whatever you like.  So although you may have to lift up one shirt, you’re still covered by the blessed nursing tank.  I used the glamor mom nursing tanks in black.  Black is just so slimming, for anyone, all the time.  Others like undercover mama are a slightly different but similar option.  I also LOVE the racer back open front bras when I’m wanting to not look like a nursing mama 24-7.  The clasp in the front makes it easy to nurse your baby without fully undressing your upper half.  Here’s a link to one I like

Step three:  Just act natural.  If you feel super awkward and weird about nursing in public, others will pick that vibe up.  Send out the vibe that says you’ve done this a thousand times, you’re not going to nip slip and nobody really cares what you’re up to behind that curtain.  Trust me, you can do it.  In fact, to make your first time out easier, TRY THIS AT HOME, in your adorable crafty nursery that you put together.

Step four: Don’t rush that business, try to never be in a hurry when you’re going to feed your babykins.  A rushed mother is a frazzled mother.  Frazzled is not fun.  No rushing.

Also, side note: if your sweet babykins blows up their diaper while nursing in public, just act like nothing happend.  You can fix that no problem on that Kola kid changing station in the restroom that you never noticed existed until you had a kid.  If you visibly have baby poop all over the front of you, just keep smiling and remain calm, I bet not very many people will notice (studies show they don’t)*.  Besides, it makes for entertaining reading in the baby book fifteen years later.

Lastly.  Just chill, and smile a lot.  This will reassure you and others that you’re still in control, even though you’re technically not, at least you’re in control of your response which helps control the rest of everything.  Most importantly, it will reassure your child that, “you’ve got this” and that’s what their little person needs to hear, both audibly and emotionally, that you’re going to take care of them and they are never too much to handle.  Remember, you’ve got this.

*Not true.  No studies have ever been shown to prove this true.

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