The simplicities of eating Plant Strong

Although I am primarily a plant strong (mostly vegan) eater, you might occasionally find a piece of pizza in my hands with cheese on it – that being said, I’m not a legalist, but I cook plant strong at home.

So, from time to time I have to laugh at the way some of the recipes I come across read to me.  Here is a sample, from my own imagination, of what I’ve encountered when venturing into new plant strong recipe lands…

Recipe: Super healthy vegan crab-cakes with clam and buffalo meat sauce chilled soup (vegan)

Recipe Cook time: (91 days, plus gathering and cooking time), so about under 30 minuets

Serves: 12 people, unless you eat like a normal person, then about 3 persons or 5 cats

Ingredients:

Garden Fresh 90 day ripened Roma tomatoes

Nutritional Yeast (this is in EVERYTHING and is a terrible fake cheese substitute comprised of lies)

Unicorn Dust

Tempeh

vegan sausage crumbles

hoisin sauce

tamari

tahini

beans (soaked overnight, then cooked for hours)

Plain Soy Yogurt

Step one:

Plant your own tomato garden, harvest fresh 90 day ripened ROMA tomatoes (if they were not grown in your own backyard, with organic materials, and you harvested on day 91, don’t even bother with this recipe, it won’t work – your life is a waste of time).

Step two:

Create cheeze sauce from nutritional yeast and unicorn dust.  Unicorn Dust is typically found at your local natural food co-op located just 45 miles outside of town and is open for exactly three hours during some days when you get there it is usually closed.  It’s also easy to find this rare ingredient at your local Asian foods store that is too small for a children’s stroller and everything is in spanish (why??), good luck.  Mix the two together on stove in small ceramic pot (not teflon, teflon is for animal haters and people who don’t care about their health – fools)

Step three:

Crumble tempeh and mix with hoisin sauce, you don’t know what hoisin sauce and tempeh are because no one cares about them, but you should, and you do now.  Spend exactly twenty-three hours in Whole Foods looking for both of these items while at least one of your children cries the entire time (or they take turns), once you find them smile at your good fortune and high intelligence.

Step four:

Put tahini in something.  You can make your own tahini and should with millions of sesame seeds in a food processor.  It’s easy if you loves messes and being a mass food production person because you have so much time on your hands already from cooking from scratch, looking for unheard of ingredients and raising small children on a plant strong diet.  McDonald’s is basically a swear word in your home.

Step five:

Soak your beans overnight.  You have a perfect memory for doing this with three small children running around your house, after you’ve cleaned up all the messes, put them to bed and finished your Pilaites-yogos, you are now ready to remember to prepare your overnight oats, and soak your beans.  You would never forget this because you already remember what you’re cooking for dinner tomorrow night because you are that organized in your life.  Then, cook your beans in a crock pot for hours and hours the next day, do not forget about them and burn them while enjoying your easy life.  Disregard the fact that they sell fully cooked beans in a can at the grocery store for 79 cents, and you can just wash off the extra sodium in a strainer.  DISREGARD THAT FACT.

Step six:

Recover from the emotional trauma of debating the soaking your beans process vs. buying a simple can of pre-cooked beans.  Locate plain soy yogurt at your local grocery.  Never-mind the fact that the main manufacture of plain and vanilla soy yogurt (WholeSoy) is under some sort of company reconstruction and soy yogurt is now only being sold on the vegan black market, so it’s pretty much unattainable unless you are a plant strong monk, or look like this guy. (“Borrowed” from the Reuters website;)HareKrishnaYou can substitute with coconut yogurt (which gives all your food a coconut taste), or almond yogurt, which is acceptable, but no soy yogurt mind you.

Step seven:

Blend everything together in a VitaMix (they cost 6 bajillion dollars, but are on sale at Costco).  Blend for awhile, the soup will heat itself through the intense blending process, serve in handmade bowls of wicker.  Enjoy.

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