So I’ve been hearing the same message lately these past few weeks.
Some might chalk it up to coincidence, others like myself might say, “Hmmmm, I think perhaps God is trying to tell me something, and apparently I’m NOT listening, because he feels the need to keep telling me.”
By the way, each time I hear this message, I start to tear up.
Guys, I’m not the cryer in my family. I won’t say who is, but it’s not usually me.
Each time, this message hits me like a brick right to the center of my soul, to the core of who I am, and then it sends resonating waves of truth throughout my whole body.
The last version of this message came to me in the car this morning, as I was pondering my life and if it mattered that I try to be a mom and ALL that entails while balancing what I really want to do for myself; invest in friendships, write, spend time with the Lord, pray, row, paint my nails and pick out outfits, organize my closet and put on makeup, try to do my hair, and snuggle kids past bedtime, and make top-knots in my oldest daughters hair, and put piggies in my youngest even though she pulls them out five minuets later and make a home and have healthy dinner on the table and smile at my husband when he looks at me.
I feel it all pull in each different direction, and I can’t do it all at once.
I haven’t worn makeup in
two three days, I’m wearing the same clothes I wore YESTERDAY (it was a decent outfit actually). I did however make an entirely plant strong delicious menu, grocery shop with three children, get all the laundry done and serve dinner. I even played a little bit with my kids and gave each one a bath, and snuggled one of them well past her bedtime.
Last night I was so tired by 9pm that I finally decided to stop working and just do my nails.
If I just stop, and let God direct me, like a sailboat in the wind – it’s not so hard. But when I try and start my engine and get somewhere, I find that even though I’ve gotten somewhere, it’s not the twenty other places I wanted to be as well. And I keep trying to get somewhere.
So in the car, as I was sweeping up all my frustrations into a big pile of grouchy leaves, God blew them all away with this same message, again.
I was listening to K-Love and Josh Wilson’s song, Pushing Back the Dark came on:
One million reasons why, you shouldn’t even try.
After all you’re just one heart, a single candle in the dark.
And there are shadows here, feeding on your fears,
That you don’t have what it takes – who are you to make a change?
But oh, oh, don’t underestimate the God you follow.
Whatever you do, just don’t look back.
Oh somebody needs the light you have.
Whatever you do, just don’t lose heart.
Keep on pushing back the dark,
Keep on pushing back the dark.
How can that make anyone NOT want to tear up just a little bit?
Saturday I heard the message during worship when God spoke to my heart and said he wanted to use me to speak to others even though I think I’m unqualified, afraid and not very eloquent, and lacking in pretty much every other way.
And then it was there again in the sermon, when our pastor shared how all the apostles were regular guys, ordinary people in whom GOD did extraordinary things.
I keep thinking that if God is going to use me, I’m going to feel different. I’m never going to doubt myself or my abilities, my thoughts will always be organized and clever, I will have more than enough time to write and share my inspirations. I will never get grouchy at my kids and yell, “NO! NO YOU MAY NOT PLAY BUBBLES OUTSIDE because I am still cleaning up your mess INSIDE! I am still sweeping up all your crumbs from lunch and I don’t want to clean up ANY more of your MESSES! ALL I DO IS CLEAN UP YOUR MESSES! NO MORE MESSES.” <insert very sad toddler eyes>. This comes from a mother who has wiped an excessive amount of bottoms and noses and what-not the past four years of her life… and she is tired, and God says in spite of herself, he still wants to use her.
And that makes me want to cry.
Because I am so very, very, very imperfect.
And I’ve believed that God would REALLY, REALLY be able to use me… ONCE I was perfect.
That is not what is actually happening.
Before that it was Wednesday night when I was questioning if anything I was doing in life really mattered and I got a text from a good friend and I felt like Jesus said, this message of encouragement is a reminder from me. You ARE serving me, what you do matters. I AM using you.
I feel like God is saying, I am going to use you in the grocery store as a stay-at-home mom, in the preschool drop off’s and pick ups, in the sweeping of the crumbs and the wiping of the noses, in the phone call with a friend and the everyday, ordinary stuff.
I struggle with the desire to be a REAL writer, and like, full time write. How dreamy does this sound to me? VERY. I see people leaving for work with a briefcase in hand as I drive my kids to preschool and I think, “Wow, what must it BE like to get to wake up and know you get to go work ALL day at something you love?” Now, that person may have a job they hate, but they get to drive in the car – in silence, if they like, ALL the way to work. #mycarisneversilent. They get a REAL lunch break #igetup20timespermealtohelpsomeonelittle, and maybe they even have a job they love. My dream is to someday become a writer, and have that be my REAL job. To fill out my productivity schedule that I downloaded from the storylineblog.com and actually GET TO DO IT. I fill it out now, and I’m lucky if no one interrupts me during the 45 minutes I woke up super early for just have time to myself. I’m trying to get somewhere and go after my goals but I get stymied at 7:45 in the morning until about 8:30 at night. And if that little genius schedule is right, my brain should only work about 30% to it’s creative capacity by then:-( But God doesn’t care about brain capacity.
I am a mother and I know I want to be home with my kids, and besides, no one has hired me yet to be a writer, so that also makes things complicated.
So today, my goal for the rest of the day is just to try and serve Jesus in everything I do. Even though it seems like a job that is not important, and no one says, “hey, I noticed you just spent the last two hours in the kitchen prepping food, giving handouts to little kids, serving a meal and cleaning it all up while kissing boo-boos and refereeing the plasma car race in the backyard, even though you’d rather be writing, putting on makeup, taking a nap, doing pretty much anything else for yourself and not others…” Well, actually, my husband thanks me ALL the time, but I digress…
Trying to have a good attitude by serving Jesus in smoothie prep
Serving Jesus in playing trains
Serving Jesus in cleaning dishes
Serving Jesus in being an audience to my little girls performances
Look out youtube, this duo sensation is coming to your hit list soon!
And, serving Jesus in writing, currently one of my most favorite ways to serve him.
All I can give him is myself, and although it’s not much, he made man out of dirt, so he’s obviously good at working with what I would see as an general lack of adequate supplies.
Thanks for reading.