How’s it going?
This is a pretty normal question that lots of people ask me on a regular basis. My answer is usually, “things are going pretty good, it’s been a nice summer…”
However, if I’m in a moment where I’m thinking about the baby we lost, I might say something more like, “Things are getting better.” Sometimes I forget who I’m talking to, and if they knew or not.
Then I remember that not everyone reads my blog or knows what happened.
It’s strange to experience such a great loss, and realize that the whole world didn’t stop.
After the loss, we went to church a few days later on a Saturday night. It happened to be celebration weekend at our church. We were celebrating everything God had done and was doing for our church. Lots of people were really happy. There was an air of joy in the building.
I didn’t feel like I belonged there.
I wanted to leave and not ruin the party.
I didn’t feel like celebrating anything.
But I felt something in me tell me to stay, and decided that it was okay if I was sad and everyone else was happy. It was still my church, and these people loved me weather I was smiling or not. I was safe here.
During worship, we sang the song, Cornerstone by Hillsong.
Here are some of the words:
Christ alone, cornerstone
Weak made strong, in the Savior’s love
Through the storm
He is Lord, Lord of all
When darkness seems to hide His face
I rest on His unchanging grace
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil
My husband sat on my left and held my hand, and my dear friend sat on my right and held my other hand as I sat and cried/ attempted to sing.
“This is the hardest part” she said.
She would know. She’s had three miscarriages.
She knows my pain. She’s cried these tears.
She held my hand as I sang all the words as full as I could with a lump in my throat.
My eyes were blurry with tears, knowing the words were true.
She was right. This was the hardest part. Believing that Through the storm, He is Lord, Lord of all.
But I was choosing to believe it. Right there, right then. In that very difficult moment. I knew God had not abandoned me, and his love for me pierced something deep in my heart.
After a while, I felt God speak to me. He said, “the angels are singing over your baby.”
I started crying, sobbing.
My baby was safe. My baby was with Jesus.
I tried to sing again, and asked if maybe the baby could hear my voice too. I sang as best I could, crying and cracking and singing, imagining that my baby could hear his or her Mama’s voice praising God among the angels. I sang the words over my baby,
Then He shall come with trumpets sound
Oh, may I then in Him be found
Dressed in His righteousness alone
Faultless, stand before the throne
I will not sit in sorrow, refusing to believe what is good about God. I will not let my sadness drag me into a place of misery, believing lies that God doesn’t care. I will choose to take God at his word. He’s been there for me before, he will be here with me now, he will never leave or forsake me. Not ever.
I am His.