I keep finding myself wanting to vent. Just to have another person validate my feelings. I want to share and talk and share some more all over one simple issue. And yet, I feel perhaps the tug of wisdom say to me, “Yes Rebekah, you have been wronged. Yes. Forgive and leave it.” But that’s not enough, for some reason I want to call at least ten of my friends and have them all stand next to me and say, “Yes, that is crappy, I can’t believe so-and-so DID that!” I especially want to contact a number of my twin-friend moms, because it’s over a twin thing and sometimes moms of other twins just get it. Twin moms understand twin stuff like we are of one mind. There is a silent bond of mutual, precise understanding among twin moms that’s incredible. And I SOOO bad want to call five of my twin mom friends and tell them all about it. To have them empathize with me, to console me, to tell me it was unfair and unjust.
But I haven’t. I only called one friend. And that was probably unnecessary, but I forwarded our conversation with, “Please talk me down to rationality.”
She did, and it wasn’t a gossip fest, it was more of a plan to set in motion for working things out, and I felt slightly better after we spoke, but I still have this desire to call more people, until I feel better – until I hear what?
What I want to hear?
I want someone to validate everything I’m feeling, and tell me I’m right.
That I’ve never failed, never missed something and I’m not, not getting it right.
I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me, and the person pulling it, I think just got their foot stuck in the rug and has continued walking, with NO IDEA about what they’ve just done to my little world. Yes, MY little world. I really believe they have no clue, and they have just unintentionally hurt me.
But we don’t live in MY little world do we? We live in God’s BIG, expansive, all forgiving, grace filled world.
And in that reality, there is no room for condemnation, or even offense. In His world there is only loving others and forgiving others for their mistakes or misunderstandings.
In his world, I go to the person and say, “Hey, you just pulled the rug out from under me. I’m sure the rug was just stuck to your shoe somehow, and it was an honest mistake. Can we talk about it? I’m kinda in pain here on the floor.”
And I will, and I want to, but I can’t until a certain number of days for various complicated reasons, so until then I what?
I HATE waiting. I want it all fixed now so I don’t have to further resist the temptation to seek validation for my feelings from others who have NOTHING to do with this situation.
Is this where the character of Christ is built? I’m not sure, but it FEELS painful.
Also, ignoring all the devil’s taunts is like super aggravating. I know I should just tell him to shut it, but sometimes the stuff sounds so close to the truth. I know it’s a lie, and if it were a point-blank clear lie, it would be so much easier to swat away, but no, the enemy knows my weak spots, the places where it hurts. When he shoots, he doesn’t aimlessly fire, no, he sniper styles right in on my weak points, trying to take me down to the ground of misery and despair, instead of standing on the rock of hope.
“Maybe you did fail as a mother, no one’s perfect.”
“You have too many children, that’s why this happened. If you’d just had one at a time like normal people, maybe ALL your kids needs would be met, all the time and they would never have any difficulties in life, ever.” – to which I argue, “THAT wasn’t even my choice! I asked God for ONE kid the first go around, it’s not my fault he thought we could handle TWO! At least they are best friends! Maybe I should trust him?”
“How can you be having ANOTHER baby, when you haven’t even figured out what you’re doing with these three? Are you insane? Are you trying to ruin more people’s lives by bad mothering?”
I can say these arguments are foolish, but that doesn’t take away from the doubt in my mind that I didn’t miss something somewhere. That I’m worried I’ve been blind somewhere in my parenting and now my kids will suffer in some way just because I didn’t have my act together.
Some days I feel proud that there is food on the table and no one is fighting. Success!!
Other days, like today I am proud of my kids, but not because of anything Davin and I have done. All three of my kids by their own free will decided to help me clean up after dinner. I think they could tell I was stressing about something and wanted to help. Dani had a broom, Eli had a sponge and squirt bottle, and Ellie was putting things away. What did I do to deserve such thoughtful kids?
Earlier this morning, when Eli was too sick to go to school, Dani responded, “But Eli HAS to go to school! He’s my best friend in the whole WORLD!” She even prayed on the car ride to class for Eli to feel better and for daddy to drive him to school. She was devastated not to have her, “best friend in the whole wide world”, right by her side.
I didn’t form that bond. They did. They love each other, play together and look out for one another. They also tattle on each other and try to compete against each other, but I take the good with the not-my-favorite.
As I finish this post, all has been resolved. The person accidentally sending me to the floor never did it intentionally, and I didn’t even end up telling the person what was done to hurt me. I just prayed, (A TON) and then forgave, and left the details at Jesus’ feet. Then before I met with the person, I prayed some more asking Jesus to keep me from bringing up any of my hurt, and to be able to have a genuine no-offense conversation.
Guys, it totally worked. Jesus is SUPER good at taking care of offenses, and when he says to forgive, he’s not doing it for his own benefit, he’s requiring it for ours. Can I just tell you how nice it feels to truly forgive someone even when they don’t even know what they’ve done wrong? I’m not saying this is going to be my life theme, sometimes grievances need to be shared; you know the whole “go to the person who has hurt you” kind of thing. BUT, in this case, after I prayed, I really did feel like the Lord led me to just leave it. And I did by his grace and it TOTALLY worked!
I feel so un-offended, so free and so happy.
AND, I feel like the Lord gave me insight and freedom from some of the enemie’s sneaky lies. I can’t believe the night and day difference that forgiveness makes.
Also, I think this little exercise in forgiveness is working because just the other day, I was checking out at “Bed, Bath and Beyond” (buying sheets, so exciting) and the sweet high school girl at the register said to me (with my whole family around), “WOW! you’re SO BIG!!! Are you pregnant?” I’m serious. I was thinking in my mind, this little dear has never been pregnant, and since I’m only 22 weeks, she must not see many full term pregnant women, because, yes, there’s a baby in my tummy, but we’re nowhere close to BIG yet honey! I also considered sharing the little social nugget that it’s not polite to tell any woman, ever, that she looks “SO BIG”, but I refrained, and decided I’d let her stay in her sweet bubble of high school observations and attempts at personal register conversation by smiling and saying, “Oh yes, I’m 22 weeks.” She really did mean well if you can believe me.
Either way, I’m hoping all this will be a reminder to me the next time I am offended, and hopefully I will be instant-quick to forgive. Because let’s be honest, offenses ARE going to happen, it’s what I do with them that will determine my character and probably my level of contentment in life. If I would just trust Jesus enough to actually do what he says, there’s a strong possibility that my life may be a lot easier.
So if you’ve been wronged and you want to join me in my forgiveness campaign, you can just pray these super spiritual words ;-), “Lord, I’m SUPER offended, so-and-so did such-and-such! Can you believe it? The WORST! Please help me to forgive, to let it go and give me wisdom on how to move forward, as well as the self-control and discipline to actually follow through with your advice. Amen”. Then, wait. He will TOTALLY show up and blast your grouchy feelings away… in his timing of course, because some offenses can be more involved than others, but I am always pleasantly surprised at his grace, sweetness and gentleness to move me from where I am at (miserable) and unable to help myself to where he says I can be, in his perfect peace. It’s not just a bunch of words on some paper; it’s like real and true life.
Good luck my friends!!!
And since I needed at least ONE photo for this post so it wasn’t boring… I give you, twin mom life: a photo collage of twin memories;-)
As always, thanks for reading.